HUMOR

* * *

I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said that I want this piece to go to Cleveland, this piece to Toronto, and this piece to Florida. 

The airline agent said, "We can't do that." 

I replied, "Well, you did it last week." 

-Henny Youngman

* * *

* * *

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"  "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

One of the very best parts of our family vacations for me as a child was my mother and her iron. Every year we would get far out of town, and she would wail, "Oh, no!  I left the iron on."  Every year we would always turn around and go back. But it was never plugged in.  When I was about 13 years old, we were headed for Yellowstone National Park and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on." My father didn't say a word, just pulled over, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.  And every year after that, he made sure that the iron was in the trunk before we left on vacation.

A friend had left for the airport with barely enough time to catch her flight.  Finding herself held up in traffic she began to pray, "Please, Lord, let there be a parking space near the door."  The closer she got to the airport the more desperate she became. "Please, Lord, let there be a parking space as near to the door as possible."  Finally, approaching the entrance to the airport terminal, still feverishly praying, she noticed with relief that there was room to park right in front of the door. "Oh, never mind, Lord" she prayed. "I see a spot anyway."

On a car trip, my grandparents stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. There on a table Grandma left her sunglasses, which she didn't miss until she and Grandpa were back in their car on the highway. By then, they had to travel some distance before they could find a place to turn around.  Grandpa fussed and complained, but gradually quieted down as they neared the restaurant. As he got out of the car, it was in a humble voice that he said, "Well, I guess while I'm in there I might just as well get my hat."

A man I had been dating was taking me home to see his family. At the airport, he walked through the metal-detector security gate and the alarm went off. It continued ringing as he divested himself of keys, watch and belt buckle. The guard demanded that he empty one last pocket.  With a reluctant sigh, my friend pulled out a velvet-covered, metal jewelry box and opened it. Still standing under the security gate, he solemnly asked me to be his wife.
     His proposal was accepted.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed. . . I don't really care where.   I’m completely exhausted.”  "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."  "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."  The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.   The manager asked him how he survived.  "Never better," John said.   The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"   "Nope. I shut him up in no time."  "How'd you manage that?"  "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged down slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

My husband was employed as a dealer in a casino. Late one night a player at the craps table was having a run of bad luck. Desperate, he turned to my husband. "You work here," he moaned. "What's the secret to winning at this game?" "What day of the week is this?" my husband asked. "Saturday." "And what time is it?" "About 3 a.m.," the player answered. "I'm here working on a Saturday at 3 a.m., and you're here on vacation," my husband shot back, "and you think I've got the answer!"

Heavenly Father, Look down on us your humble, obedient
tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth 
taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, 
and walking around in drip-dry underwear.

We beseech you, Lord, to see that our luggage is not lost 
and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed at the customs.

Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our 
hotels that we may find our reservation honored, our rooms
made up, and hot water running from the faucets.

Lead us, Dear Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where 
the food is superb, the waiter friendly, and wine is included 
in the price of the meal.

Give us wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not 
understand.  Forgive us for under-tipping out of ignorance 
and over-tipping out of fear.  Make the natives love us for
what we are and not for what we can contribute to their
worldly goods.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals,
the palaces and the castles listed as "musts" in the guidebooks.  
And if, perchance, we skip a historic monument to take a nap 
after lunch, have mercy on us for our flesh is weak.

(This part of the prayer is for husbands)

Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them 
from "bargains" they don't need or can't afford.  Lead them not
Into temptation, for they know not what they do.

(This part of the prayer is for the wives)

Almighty Father, keep our husbands from leering at the foreign 
women and comparing them to us.  Save them from making fools of
themselves in cafes and nightclubs, for they know exactly what 
they do.

(Everyone)

And when our trip is over and we return to our loved ones, grant
us the favor of finding someone who will look at our home movies
and listen to our stories so our lives as tourists will not have 
Been in vain.                   

* * *

	1.  A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  
	After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be 
	cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
 	
	2.  I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. 
	I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport 
	information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to 
	make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." 
	Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly 
	explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
	South Africa."  Her response....click.
 
	3.  A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles.  
	She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could 
	find.  I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it 
	was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana.  She thought 
	the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb
	of L.A.  Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even
	embarrassed.
	 
	4.  A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. 
	I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said 
	he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that 
	is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. 
	He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida 
	is a very thin state."
 
	5.  I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible 
	to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."  He said, "but they 
	look so close on the map."
 
	6.  A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was 
	possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got 
	into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was
	an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the 
	concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very 
	fast, and she bought that!
 
	7.  A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical 
	description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to 
	who?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when 
	I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage 
	that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" 
	After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
	it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the 
	city code for Fresno, California, is FAT, and that the airline 
	was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 
	8.  I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I 
	know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, 
	to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but 
	none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
 
	9.  A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on 
	one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
	Pensacola on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yeah, whatever."
 
	10. A business man called and had a question about the documents 
	he needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion 
	about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.  "Oh no I don't, 
	I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
	I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. 
	When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times 
	and every time they have accepted my American Express card."

	11. I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that her hair wouldn't
	get messed up by being near the window.

	12. A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago
	to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,
	the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what
	flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching,
	the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
	airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." 
	The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
	Check your map!" The agent scoured  a map of the state of New York and
	finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew
	it was a big animal!"

* * *

A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?"

The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

* * *

I was concerned when an older couple who booked a trip to Italy through my travel agency insisted on hiring a car to drive themselves around Rome. Nothing I could say about the dare devil drivers and frenetic traffic could sway them from their plan. My heart was heavy the day they came in to pick up their rental car vouchers — until they assured me that I had absolutely no reason to worry. They had spent some time down at the bumper-car track located in a nearby amusement park, practicing their driving techniques.

* * *

We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from New York to California and were looking for a place to spend the night.  At four different motels, however, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies."  Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked solemnly,  "Mom, are we vacancies?"

* * *

IN THE hotel reservation center where I work, a colleague was trying to resolve a complaint from a woman upset about the quality of toilet paper in her room. Not knowing quite how to respond, my colleague said, "I'm very sorry, ma'am. We've never had such a complaint before." 

"Well, of course not," the dissatisfied patron responded. "Who on earth would complain about toilet paper!" 

* * *

Planning to visit a small Midwest town, a man sent a letter to the small hotel as follows:  "I would very much like to bring my dog with me to your hotel and wondered if you would be willing to allow him to stay with me in my room at night?"

The reply came back very quickly:  "I've been operating this hotel for many years and in all of that time I have never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes, silverware or pictures off the wall.  I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly and I've never had a dog leave without paying his bill.  Your dog will be very welcome and, if he will vouch for you, you will be welcome also."

* * *

I'M A PUBLIC SPEAKER who travels extensively, and ordering room service is part of my usual routine. One morning I awoke, picked up the phone and dialed the operator. "Please connect me with room service," I groggily requested. "You'll have to dial information, sir." "Look, I'm tired and hungry," I said in my most authoritative voice. "All I want you to do is connect me to room service." "Yes, sir, I can tell that you're tired," the operator patiently replied. "But if you'll turn on your light, you'll probably find that you are at home." I did and she was right. 

* * *

MY HUSBAND AND I were checking into the penthouse of a ritzy hotel when he exclaimed, "Gee, I wonder what the poor folks are doing today."

The hard-working bellboy quickly responded, "Carrying your bags, sir."

* * *

A COUPLE from England had written for reservations at our Colorado Springs country inn. On the afternoon they were to arrive, the woman called to say they were driving to Colorado and would not be able to make it that night, but they'd see us the next day. The afternoon of the second day, we received another call from her. "We'll be unable to stay with you tonight as well," she said. "We are someplace in the state of Nebraska, and have seriously underestimated the size of America."

* * *

MY JOB was in a large city, some 80 miles from my home. Rather than commuting daily, I frequently stayed over, and then joined my wife at home on the weekends. 

Once, my wife decided to surprise me. She telephoned the hotel where I was registered and asked the desk clerk to tell me that she was coming to spend the night with me. She was sure that she would arrive in time for dinner. 

As luck would have it, we both reached the hotel entrance at 5 p.m. After kissing and embracing, we headed arm-in-arm into the hotel. The desk clerk ran up to me. "Get rid of that woman," she whispered frantically. "Your wife is in town!" 

* * *

The power of imagination that Disney World produces became apparent to me while I was working there. As we were setting up for a parade one day, a storm suddenly hit. Thunder boomed, lightning flashed, and people dashed for cover. Through the downpour, however, one woman stood alone in the middle of the street, gazing at the sky. I walked over to ask if I could be of some assistance.  Thoroughly drenched by now, she looked at me and asked in a puzzled tone, "Is this for real?"

* * *

Traveler's Ten Commandments

1.  Thou shalt not expect to find things as thou hast them at home, for thou hast left home to find things different.
2.  Thou shalt not take anything, especially thyself, too seriously, for a carefree mind is the beginning of a fine holiday.
3.  Thou shalt take only half the clothes thou think thou needs, and twice the money.
4.  Thou shalt be prepared with medication and the means to take it.
5.  Know at all times where thy passport is, for a person without a passport is a person without a country.
6.  Keep thy schedule ever before thee, and be thou prompt in following it.
7.  Thou shalt not let other tourists get on thy nerves, for thou art paying good money to enjoy thyself.
8.  Thou shalt not make thyself too obviously a tourist. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
9.  Thou shalt not judge the people of a country by the one person who hast given thee trouble.
10. Remember thou art a guest in other lands, and he that treateth his host with respect shall be honored.

* * *

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.  By the time we took off, there had been a  45-minute delay and everybody  on board was ticked. 

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way.  The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes. 

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.  I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. 

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.  Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." 

Picture this: ALL the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!  The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.  People scattered.  They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! 

* * *

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

* * *

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself stranded on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean -- with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week, the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

* * *

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a  hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

* * *

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge.) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

* * *

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

* * *

     Man to Ticket Agent: I want to buy a bus ticket for Norwald.
     Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that.  Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map.  Just where is Norwald anyway?"
     Man: Over there. He's my brother-in-law.

* * *

A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin for their cruise, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

* * *

If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end,
it would probably be Memorial Day Weekend...

* * *

An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
     "Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
     "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
     "Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

* * *

You know it's a no frills airline when...
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

* * *

I WAS PART of the crew on a very long commercial flight, and we had on board an irate first-class passenger who could not be pleased. "I'm going to have your job!" he finally exploded at one of the flight attendants. "Sir," she replied politely, "you're going to love it. You'll meet the nicest people." 

* * *

A FRIEND OF MINE works in a national-park post office. Once a man bought several stamps, attached them to postcards and handed the cards to my friend for mailing. She noticed that they had all been addressed but that none contained a message. Thinking that the customer had made a mistake, she pointed out the omission to him. "I told everyone back home I'd send postcards," he replied. "But I didn't say I'd write anything on them." 

* * *

MY HUSBAND AND I are both commercial airline pilots. I like to think that by watching me, a rarity in a mostly male profession, our six-year-old son, Cory, has an opportunity to grow up free of sex-role stereotypes. One day I overheard a friend ask Cory what he wanted to be when he grew up. "A policeman," answered Cory. 

"Don't you want to be a jet pilot?" asked our friend. 

"A jet pilot?" Cory said disgustedly. "That's a girl's job!" 

* * *

WHILE PREPARING for a business trip over a holiday, I turned on the TV news to find out about travel delays. One report noted crowded airports. The newscaster's advice? "Plan to arrive at least an hour before you get there." 

* * *

AFTER an uneventful flight, the plane on which I was a flight attendant landed at New York's JFK Airport. Our captain, new to the New York run, steered us off the runway, onto the taxiway and stopped. Slowly we began taxiing, first pivoting to the right, then to the left. Soon the aircraft stopped, turned completely around and stopped again. Finally, over the public-address system, a confused voice asked, "Does anyone know where Gate 25 is?" 

* * *

A NERVOUS ATTENDANT on my husband's flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"

* * *

IT WAS STORMY as I taxied my 727 out of the gate at New York's La Guardia Airport one night. Air traffic was backed up everywhere. The controller in the tower was frenzied as the ground-control frequency became jammed with pilots calling at the same time. Then there was a brief pause in transmission, which allowed a lone, plaintive voice to come over the radio. In a slow drawl, he said, "Wilbur, this is Orville. Meet me down at the bicycle shop. I've got a great idea." 

* * *

BEFORE A FLIGHT, an airline pilot walked through the passenger terminal and decided to make a phone call. While he waited for the person ahead of him to finish, he began filling out his flight plan at a nearby counter. Puzzled that passing travelers were staring at him, he looked around. He was standing at the flight-insurance counter. 

* * *

RETURNING FROM a business trip one rainy night, I was trying to catch a flight from Indianapolis to Milwaukee. After a four-hour wait, our plane finally arrived. I asked the flight attendant as we boarded if she thought we'd make it to Milwaukee, considering the weather. "Of course we will," she replied. "I want to get home, have a hot bath and snuggle with my husband." "That's not going to get us to Milwaukee," I said. "Yes, it will," the attendant countered. "My husband's the pilot." 

* * *

AFTER A LONG, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. 

In a few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502 please return to the gate." 

* * *

I was checking in an airline passenger for a flight when, as the boarding pass was being printed, she asked for a seat in the emergency-exit row. "Wait a minute," she interrupted, as I started printing a replacement pass, "how about the bulkhead?" I made the second change, and then she said, "Oh, and I'd like an aisle seat if you have it." Trying to anticipate her next demand, I asked, "Would you prefer the aisle seat on the left or the right?" "It doesn't matter," she said dismissively. "I'm not picky." 

* * *

WHILE WORKING as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up. 

* * *

THERE AREN'T MANY of us female airline pilots, and as a result I am often mistaken for a skycap when I'm in uniform. Once while I was standing in front of an airport terminal between flights, an expensively dressed woman pulled up in her Cadillac and imperiously directed me to check her bags. It was no big deal, so I did it. 

Thirty minutes later, I boarded my aircraft to see that the woman was seated in the front row, eyeing me curiously. I winked at her, noting with satisfaction her shocked expression. I then entered the cockpit to assume my duties. 

* * *

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

* * *

I REMEMBER THE NIGHT I was working as a flight attendant on the red-eye to Manila. A water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of our 747. A very sleepy woman who had become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as I passed by. "Has it been raining?" she asked me. Keeping a straight face, I replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, she went back to sleep. 

* * *

THE AIRLINE I fly for sometimes requires pilots to "deadhead" -- travel as passengers on regular flights to the airport where their own flight is to begin. On one such run, a captain and I were in uniform and seated near the front of the plane. Waiting for takeoff, we became aware of a young woman standing in the aisle, staring at us. She looked quite worried as she leaned over and whispered, "Excuse me, but aren't you guys in the wrong seats?" 

* * *

SOON AFTER my son finished pilot training with a major airline, he flew home to celebrate. When I went to the airport to pick him up, I congratulated him. "Let's go out to dinner tonight!" I said. 

"I'm afraid I can't," he replied, feeling conspicuous in his uniform. "The airline lost my luggage."

* * *

A PASSENGER walked up to my airline-reservation desk and said, "I know it's almost time for my flight to leave for Las Vegas, but I want to cancel my reservation." 

"Is there something wrong with our service?" I asked. 

"Oh, no," he assured me. "It's only that I put twenty-five cents in the pay phone just now and lost it and with luck like that I'm certainly not going to Las Vegas today!" 

* * *

THE PHONE NUMBER for the retail music store where I work is one digit away from that of a travel agency in the next city. I field several calls a week about travel costs, despite answering the phone with the name of our store. One man ignored my greeting and asked if he could book a flight to Chicago. "Sir, this is a music store," I replied. "The only way I can get you to Chicago is to put you in a tuba case and ship you Next Day Air." 

There was a thoughtful pause. Then he asked, "What's the in-flight movie?" 

* * *

AS flight attendants, my partner and I are asked all sorts of questions. Once, shortly after takeoff, a passenger asked how much it would cost to use the airphone. "It's $2.50 for the first minute," my partner replied, "and $2 for every minute thereafter." 

"You don't understand," said the passenger. "This is a local call." 

* * *

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And as for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years -- would you please step off the plane once we are airborne." 

* * *

As two airliners approached, the air-traffic controller radioed, "Delta Two-Seven-Zero and Eastern Four-Two-Five, you're both the same distance from the airport. Who would like to come in first?" Thinking quickly, the Delta captain said, "Go ahead, Delta, you take it." The Eastern pilot said nothing. He knew he'd been had.

* * *

A fellow pilot flying over the Midwest heard an air- traffic controller trying to contact an airliner for a normal frequency change. "Flight 354," said the controller, "Contact Kansas City Center on frequency 135.5." The request was repeated several times, with no reply from the pilot. Finally, in exasperation, the controller raised his voice. "Flight 354, Simon says contact Kansas City Center on frequency 135.5." The call was acknowledged with an embarrassed reply and prompt compliance.

* * *

WHEN his business conference was over, my husband decided to do some sightseeing before his flight home. It was not until afterward that he discovered the small town offered no taxi or shuttle to the airport. Desperate, he called a parcel delivery service and asked what it would cost to send a package to the airport. "Four dollars, sir," came the answer. 

"Does it matter how large the package is?" my husband asked. 

"No," replied the man, "as long as it fits in my station wagon." 

And so, a short while later, the congenial deliveryman picked up his "parcel" and delivered him to the airport in time for the flight. 

* * *

I was preparing my commercial aircraft for flight while the co-pilot was still outside. A passenger with a carry-on bag walked into the cockpit. "May I help you?" I asked, somewhat startled. "My seat is 2a. You're in 1a and I'm in 2a," she said, starting to make herself comfortable in the co-pilot's seat. "Oh, no, ma'am," I replied. "This is just the cockpit. Your seat assignment is in first class." 

* * *

As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time. I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. "I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a $25 fee per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"

* * *

A female airline pilot, I was amused one day by a passenger's reaction to me. The man had boarded the aircraft and was adjusting his seat belt when he happened to glance through the open cockpit door. His face paled and he exclaimed to a flight attendant, "Good grief! Is that a woman up there?" After a pause, he said quietly, "Well, I guess it's okay as long as they don't let her touch anything." 

* * *

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15 Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

* * *

real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers conversations

These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took place between
air traffic controllers and pilots around the world. Their authenticity cannot be guaranteed.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we
are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have
you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751,
make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If
you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-
engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control
told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had
one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our
start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer
you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German,
flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-
Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird
206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground
(with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944,
but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a
US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came
nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the
hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult
for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air
2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just
then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

* * *

Cockpit Problems and Mechanic Solutions

After every flight, Qantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded  (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:  Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a descent of 200 feet per minute.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took away midget’s hammer

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And  the best one for last . . .

P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S:  Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.